Don't follow in my footsteps - I tend to walk into walls.

My experience with getting shot at, plus discussion about gang life.

2009-07-17T19:55:17Z

On July 10th, 2009, my boyfriend, one of my best friends and I were nearly shot.

There was a huge party going on at the alternative school next door (at 11 o'clock at night, I don't know why), which we later found out was for the friends and family of someone who had just been sent to jail. Everyone there was a gang banger of some sort. John was outside smoking, and noticed four squad cars across the street. All of a sudden, a brawl broke out inside. He went into the streetlight to make himself visible, and waved them across. As they pulled into the parking lot, Damien and I came outside with the remainder of our gear. Out of nowhere, we heard two shots fired. We looked up in the direction where they came from, in time to see a guy in a red hoodie shooting in our direction. We saw the fucking muzzle flare. Brick was breaking, and we ran back inside. We got extremely lucky - John was just barely grazed on his leg, and Damien and I were unscathed.

There were two shooters, both gang affiliated. One shot at the other, who shot at us. Today we were called in to give our testimony at the grand jury to indict him. The saddest part of all of this is the person who shot at us is a juvenile. We don't even know how old he is, but this is the second time this year he's been brought in for attempted murder. The first time, they were unable to make the charges stick, and the case was dismissed. This time, because there were people (i.e. US) who were not gang affiliated and were willing to give testimony, he is being charged with assault 2, illegal possession of a firearm, etc. We will be called back in to give testimony in his trial as well.

The only reason I am conflicted about all of this is because he's a kid. I'd lay down good money that he comes from a troubled youth, bad home life, and a history of drugs in his family. My only hope in all of this is that he can get some help to get him out of this lifestyle. I would hate to see him just go to jail and receive no rehabilitation so that he can do more with his life than run around with a revolver, shooting at people, and have a life expectancy of 25. All three of us are in agreement - if his life can change for the better, then maybe us being there might have been a good thing.

So, a week later, the incident is still a hot topic of conversation. I am finding that a large number of people do not share my outlook on this. Last night, I had a very interesting debate with one of my friends via text message on the topic, and I received his permission to post the conversation:

C: I was floored when they told me he was a juvie.

B: Not that surprising. Gangs get most of their “soldiers” from the underage set.

C: I know. It made me very sad. I've had people telling me I should go into social work because of my reaction.

B: Yeah. I want to hurt the kid. Which I know would accomplish nothing, I know. But still if he went after my people…

C: I'm still coming from the viewpoint of violence breeds violence. I'd rather see something positive happen. If it weren't for a special set of circumstances, maybe this kid would have picked up a paintbrush instead of a revolver.

C: I want to see him find a way out of this life.

B: You are a better person than I.

C: I have an odd understanding of what it takes for someone to get into that life. I cannot hold his background against him. Plus, he's young enough that maybe there's some hope for him.

B: I just find it hard to have hope. And I have never been that affected by peer pressure, so I find it hard to sympathize with his choices.

C: Something that's important to remember is that few people join gangs by choice. That's all they know. If you're not in a gang, you catch heat for it. If you join a gang, you still catch heat, but at least you have people at your back.

C: You were also raised in a very different environment. Similar, but different. I'd lay money that he has a relative in the same gang.

B: But he still made a choice to turn and shoot at people who were not involved with his “beef.”

C: But that's what his "brothers" do. Children learn by example.

C: In addition, few teenagers really have a grasp on the concept of mortality. The media also glorifies violence without consequence. And if you add all the previous factors together, you have a prime environment for someone who is more likely to join a gang, who regularly sees his role models engaging in reckless [and dangerous] behavior, and who is bombarded with images of glamorous violence. Thus you have a kid who doesn't truly comprehend the gravity of what he's actually doing. It just doesn't connect. But the fact that he's a kid, facing five years in prison for this, means that if he can get steered in the right direction, he has a shot at turning his life around.

C: I believe in possibilities. If I didn't, I'd have given up a long time ago. I cannot bright myself to be nihilistic and hopeless. In every person, there is the capacity for change, but sometimes, people have to be handed the tools.

B: I wish I could feel like you do, but I believe in personal choice too much.

C: I'm not saying it wasn't a personal choice. I was merely hypothesizing about what may have influenced that choice.

C: Something to keep in mind is that your understanding of right and wrong is strongly influenced by your environment and upbringing. The gang culture is as normal to the kids living in it as our culture is to us. What they’re shown [on a regular basis] is that it’s okay to act like that, because everyone around them is so immersed in it.

B: Part of me thinks that the lack of fear of retribution is a part of it too. So the retribution needs to be harsher, like summary executions.

C: That doesn’t always work, though. For example – if you spank a child for acting out, the child will just be angrier. If he’s angrier, he’s more likely to act out. If you continue to punish him for acting out, then you create a cycle. If you talk to him instead, you’re more likely to have a positive impact and get him to behave properly. By the same token, the jail system fails, as does the street retribution system, which is why violence continues to escalate. If instead of punishment, someone tires to positively influence these kids, maybe they’ll get out of the gangs, eliminating the cycle.

B: There are some things that need to be inherently wrong for society to function. If you cannot abide by them, society has no use for you.

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All of that said, I would like to invite anyone and everyone to comment and discuss the situation. I also invite you to direct your friends to this, as I'm curious to see what peoples' views are. Please keep the commentary and discussion amiable (i.e. no personal attacks on anyone, no "this is stupid, so and so is a retard for thinking that way"), but otherwise have at it.

onikobella @ 2009-05-17T21:25:00

2009-05-18T04:26:02Z

Ugh. Note to self. Stop hanging out with married friends. It's making me feel all depressed.

Un-fucking-believable.

2009-03-02T01:08:08Z

So. After using us and moving on, Diedre is now trying to tell Damien she "misses me so much." Bull shit. If she valued my friendship so much, she wouldn't have pulled her sneaky, underhanded crap. I've had it with people's weird shit. I swear to GOD.

She told Damien and me both that she had started sleeping with someone for a place to live before. And then she moves on to my best friend. What am I supposed to think?

I hate liars. I really do.

2008 in Review

2009-01-01T04:20:15Z

January: Beginning of Winter Term, second term of my first real year back at Portland State. Damien and I had been together for six months. Opera workshop, beginning of real friendships at school. Beginning of my relationship with Ashton. New Years was spent cuddled in bed, hiding from the people in our house, I had just moved into the apartment here in Vancouver.

February: Damien working at the foundry still. Days spent walking to school, bitching about music history, working on opera workshop scenes. Auditioned for the Portland Opera chorus. Valentine's day thoroughly ignored, but acknowledged at the same time.

March: Heard back re. Portland Opera, have gotten in. My first paying gig as a singer. Had to deal with Niel DePonte as part of Chamber Choir, and wanted to die in rehearsals. Have aced all my classes. I meet Dani.

April: Damien gets fired from ESCO, begins drawing unemployement. I can start thinking about quitting my job. Spring term starts. I'm bitter about not getting into La Boheme. Pam encourages me even further. I hear one of the first court phone calls in Ashton's custody case, and things begin going in Damien's favor. Dani and I are becoming close friends.

May: I quit my job at RIMG!! At Dani's urging and Damien's support, I shave my hair into a mohawk to piss off my bosses. It gets dyed purple shortly after. I am nearing the end of my first year back at PSU with great anticipation.

June: Spring term ends. My hair starts turning different colours. I dye it turquoise. Damien and I go to Hive for the first time, and run into Gene who does not initially recognize me until he spots my tattoos. I'm still getting apprehensive if I see him at club nights. I audition for Vagabond Opera and impress them by being a punk opera singer. We go to Petr Sorfa's birthday party at Hive. Dani and I are inseparable.

July: Our one year anniversary. We're both blown away that the time has gone by both so quickly and so slowly. Damien finds out he must deal with his assault charge, or face severance and adoption for Ashton. I fill out my contracts for PO an begin my AGMA membership just in time to start rehearsals for Traviata. I get yelled at by Pam for not having done lessons all summer.

August: Damien goes down to Phoenix and I lose my fucking mind. Thanks to Dani, Martin, PJ, and Ashton, I manage to retain a small degree of sanity until his return. I have my callback for Vagabond Opera while he is gone, and have my first moment of Zen as it comes to auditions. I go in not caring if I get the spot or not, and do a fantastic job. I'm denied the spot due to not playing another lead instrument, but I impress the audition group. I'm making lots of friends in the chorus, and start pondering the possibility of POSA.

September: The opera season officially opens, and fall term 2008 begins. I take a full course load. Ashton's 7th birthday is the 21st. I start working with Pam again, though our relationship seems slightly strained.. Damien and I fly down to Phoenix, and I meet everyone for the first time - Natasha, Diedre, Matt, Todd. I sit in on the hearings for the custody case and the assault charge, and lose less of my mind that when Damien was gone the month before. I discover I have a knack for Guitar Hero and Rockband, and am immediately addicted. I also experience being an uber-goth at a goth night for the first time ever (Phoenix goths don't really dress up that much). We open Traviata, and my mother tells me I make a fabulous whore on stage. I get decent roles for opera workshop. I also audition for Stefan Minde (former director of Portland Opera) to sing in a recital he's organizing in October, but am told that the spot has already been filled and that they wish they'd heard me sooner.

October: Mostly just school. Diedre and I have become marvelous friends in the short time we visited in Phoenix, and the barrage of text messages and emails that ensued after that. I remember my father's birthday, thanks to Damien, for the first time since I've moved out. I decide to say fuck it and audition for POSA, recording my audition CD just barely in the nick of time, accompanying myself, and receive a live audition slot to my amazement. We begin rehearsing Fidelio at the opera. I pick up my score for what I know will be the spring opera at PSU and then promptly ignore it. Diedre comes up to visit! We convince her that the PCNW is teh shiznit, and she decides she will move up here. I get called in as a backup alto for Stefan Minde's recital I'd auditioned for, and nail it to rave reviews. Halloween is fun, though laid back. We take Ashton and his cousins trick or treating, and then Damien, Martin, and I get horribly lost looking for the 18+ haunted house in Gresham, where we discover one of the people working there knows MIkey, who we've unfortunately become at odds with because of her behaviour.

November: I fail at area recital. My body decides it's not goiing to do what I tell it, and I majorly disappoint Pam and myself. People keep telling me I sounded great, but I know better. I get exceedingly depressed over it. I get invited to Pam's birthday party, which makes me kind of uncomfortable. I go, and have a much better time than I expect - Pam is back to her old self, I discover just how bitchy certain classmates can be, get fawned over by Richard Bower, meet a bunch of upper crust people in the opera world, and then get to sing for them. Damien has a midlife crisis on his birthday which I talk him out of a day or two later. I nail my audition for Falstaff at school, and am single cast as the female lead. As it turns out, it ends up NOT being a Christine Meadows' Studio Production, but instead, a Pamela South, Sue Hinshaw, Carl Halvorson, and Christine Meadow's production. Several of my favourite people are cast. I ace my first written visual analysis of a piece of art with one of the highest grades in my art history class. The opera season is over, but I have picked up several students at school to play for and I wow the entire staff. Bad things happen for Diedre, but she decides to move up in December.

December: I get a standing ovation at the opera workshop performance, which runs way over time. I scramble to finish essays for my Japanese literature class, and get excellent grades on all of them. I take what feels like the worst final of my entire life in my art history class, but fly through my jury and pass my level change! David Jimerson tells Pam that I sing my aria from the Messiah more beautifully than he has ever heard it. I got cast with Opera Theater Oregon for a June production. My birthday past quite calmly and uneventfully, which made me a happy kitty. I survived to 24. Damien had the final court hearing in Ashton's custody case. Jennifer started calling again, which made my blood pressure rise immensely, but she's going to fuck herself out of Ashton's life. Guardianship is awarded to Damien's mom, which gives him a bit more time to finish the requirements for custody. Jennifer shows up at the court date, and visitation is disallowed until a child psychologist is able to determine whether or not her calls and visits are beneficial or detrimental to Ashton. The PCNW gets 8" - 13" of snow for 10 days, and we are stuck at Mary Lynn's twice in that time - a Monday when Ashton decides he wants to go back to Grandma's, and Christmas Eve/Day. Christmas is fun at first, but winds up stressful and depressing (just for me). I eventually get over it. Diedre arrives on New Years Eve!!!

School started. Guh.

2008-10-01T15:50:06Z

I had to post both my email and my mother's response. It's too funny.

"

To: "Mom"

Sent: Tuesday, September 30, 2008 10:34 PM

Subject: Ready for an aneurysm?

I have my book list. You are not going to like it. The class with the fewest books needed is French.... with THREE.

French:

Ensuite, workbook and textbook
English Grammar for Students of French

Korean Art:

Buddhist Sculpture of Korea, by Lena Kim
Handbook of Korean Art: Earthenware and Celadon, by Youngsook Pak and Roderick Whitfield.
Handbook of Korean Art: Buddhist Sculpture
Handbook of Korean Art: Folk Painting
Handbook of Korean Art: White Porcelain and Punch'ongware
Korean Landscape Painting, by Song-mi Yi
20th Century Korean Art
Korea, Old and New, author credited as Eckhart by the professor.

Asian Art History:

History of Far Eastern Art 5th Ed., by Sherman Lee
**the rest of the reference materials should be findable in a library, so I'm going to try that first.**

Japanese Literature Through Film:

The Makioka Sisters, by Tanizaki Jun'ichiro
Snow Country, by Kawabata Yasunari
The Harp of Burma, by Takeyama Michio
The Woman in the Dunes, by Abe Kobo.

Plus, I need two full opera scores - Barber of Seville and Falstaff. I'm apparently going to be doing enough of Barber during opera workshop to warrant the full score, and well, we know why I need Falstaff.

May I explode now?

Love,

Claire
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From:	Rosemary
To:	Claire

All I have to say is HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Will you please check the bookstore to see that they have them all. Call me and I will come in and meet you to buy them and the scores.

And be advised that if you don't pass all the classes or decide you don't like them and drop them I will have to take a contract out on your life. And those nearest and dearest to you. And probably your cat.

love

mom

p.s. Your father is a zombie.

But we're classical musicians...

2008-05-23T06:52:50Z

Hello!
Seeking classically trained musicians, all instruments welcome, who defy the social norms generally associated with our field. We're looking for classical musicians with tattoos, piercings, weird hair, giant boots, etc. who are interested in showing the world that yes, weirdos can produce beautiful music. We are currently trying to put together a recital and/or recital series in the Portland area featuring classical musicians who don't look like everyone else. Pending the number of responses, there may be an audition process, but we're mostly trying to find out what kind of interest there may be for a performance of this nature. Looking forward to meeting/talking with y'all! Please feel free to repost and responses can be emailed to onikobella at gmail dot com.

Idea gaffled from nibo, and then expanded on... I know

2008-05-07T20:09:51Z

... that sometimes I care too much.
... that I cannot fix the world.
... that sometimes it's way worth taking the risk.
... that I have no choice but to be creative.
... that pain lets me know I'm alive.
... that I'm stronger than I give myself credit for.
... that I'm a decent individual and having nothing to be ashamed of.
... that I do try to jinx myself subconsciously at times.
... that I can accept the bad with the good.
... that I need to have faith in myself.
... that sometimes I need to let my mask down.
... that only I can make myself happy.
... that I do require "me" time.
... that I cannot be everything to everyone.
... that I need to stop taking the blame.
... that frequently I work myself too hard.
... that I love and am loved.
... that I do need to be careful who I let close to me.
... that I am rich in my friends.

Where can I find...?

2007-12-27T02:30:13Z

a Saint Cecilia medallion in this odd little town? I've never actually gone out looking for religious jewelry and haven't the faintest idea of where to start.

Cheers.

Just to add to the fun...

2007-12-20T04:50:40Z

I overdrafted my bank account and my best friend's homeless.

People need to stop treating my friends like shit.

Online Art Galleries

2007-12-17T21:47:16Z

DamnPortlanders, help a struggling-artist-in-need.

I recently re-read the submission and terms of use policies on deviantArt and have many, MANY objections to the underhanded wording and rights they claim.

Does anyone know of a similar site that does things above-board and honestly? Y'know, just a website that is out there for artists to display their artwork without having to worry about people trying to steal their work or profit from it?

Cheers.